This Is Me

I’ve learned over the past few months that I needed to take a step back from doing readings and to focus on myself. I am just tired and exhausted. I’ve gone through so much the past few years – it left my soul completely drained. My body wants to keep trekking, but my body says no! You forget at times that you need to focus on filling your own cup; instead of helping others. I was avoiding all of the things that I needed to focus for myself. Its as if I was hiding from what I need to be focusing on.

Doing the work isn’t fun – let’s get this straight. It’s painful. It’s emotional. It’s draining. It’s vulnerability.

It’s so much easier to ignore something and being in your comfort zone then to deal with the root of everything.

I’ve spent a few years on my journey learning and growing. These past 5 years hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. It’s been about:

  • Vulnerability
  • Grief / Loss
  • Strength
  • Sexuality
  • Courage
  • Financial Stresses
  • Unconditional Love
  • Loneliness
  • Patience – Temptation
  • Trusting the Process
  • Body Image
  • Self Love / Acceptance
  • Fear
  • Confidence
  • Being “Needy” / Sinking feeling
  • Honesty
  • Stubborn
  • Anxiety
  • Faith
  • Panic

Who ever said life was easy? Eh?

I spent 4 years of my life feeling overwhelmed/stressed with panic and anxiety when it came to my love life. Overthinking had become my best friend for many, many years. I was quite adamant that I knew who God and Spirit wanted me to end up with. I spent many hours overthinking signs, symbols, and other messages that I’ve received from Spirit. It was like I was trying to play “God” for myself and that I was in control.

I spent countless hours on the phone with friends, facebook chats, etc trying to figure things out – searching for answers. It was overwhelming as the anxiety would be so intense that I would be bed-ridden from time to time in tears wishing it would stop. Putting on a smile and a brave face whenever leaving the house. I felt powerless. I turned to God and spent endless hours praying and talking about all that I could not control and asking for the strength to keep going.

In a million years, I never would have thought that I would have been in this position. I would like to thank all of the friends and family that have been there and continue to be there during my rough patches. I understand that I drove a lot of you crazy, with the neediness, and at some points; being one sided. The past few years have been an emotional rollercoaster. A lot happening all at once. Sometimes it was hard to even take the next breathe. I am thankful and grateful for all the people that I have crossed paths with. People may come and go from my life, but I will always be grateful for all the memories and lessons learned.

The Shack – is a movie that I wanted to watch for a little while. I felt like I needed to watch it. I couldn’t find it anywhere. Not to long ago, I signed up for Netflix, and couldn’t find it there either. As I was praying, I asked for that movie to be added to Netflix, so that I could watch it. Within a day or two, to my surprise, it was added to the list of movies available.

The night I watched it, I knew that I was meant to watch it at that exact time. Everything in that film resonated with me. I spent the whole film in tears. Healing. Learning. Absorbing everything in like a sponge.

It’s as if I am learning to re-write my own story. Healing the past. Seeing things differently. Growing.

It was a reinforcement to me that God is always with us; he never leaves. One particular scene that I will never forget is about a boat. Jesus told the character Mac to go out on the lake with the boat. Everything looks very calm. He’s in the middle of the lake when he hears a voice. Past memories start flooding back. Mac starts to panic. When he panics, the boat starts to crack and holes start to develop; letting the water seep through. The boat is sinking. Mac panics. Mac is being comforted by Jesus, as he’s being told to relax, nothing can hurt you; as he’s creating it – at the same time he keeps saying “keep your eyes on me” / “look at me”. It took some convincing to calm him, but he did what he was told. When he calmed down, everything went back to normal.

Now everytime I feel overwhelmed I either look up that youtube video or replay it in my mind to know that everything is going to be okay and that I just need to redirect my focus. Keep my eyes on him.

God is in control. He does everything during his perfect timing. Not ours.

Over the years, I’ve learned to trust on various aspects of my life. Well, except one. When it came to a relationship and finding someone; well, that’s another story.

Recently, I have been digging deep and putting in the work. I’ve learned that it’s easier to go with the flow than to fight it.

If I am meant to be with the person that I’ve been so persistent about for the past few years or someone completely new – that is God’s Will.

The fact is, I don’t know what the future brings. I still receive messages about this connection, but now I know that it’s in God’s hands and he will do what’s best for not only me, but both of us. I have nothing but gratitude for this person – for all the lessons and growth that have occurred. Everything happens for a reason and regardless of how we feel, it becomes the building blocks of our lives.

I received a message from a fellow psychic/medium friend & mentor – Melissa Baird; that touched my heart. This is what it said:

I love seeing your posts in the community and want you to know that you are learning one of the hardest lessons in life, something many people don’t learn in this lifetime; which just goes to show how much you will do great things in this lifetime. That lesson is unconditional love and commitment no matter what. As well as self love and trust. I can’t tell you how many students and people I meet who trust their guides until ….. “I trust my guides send me on the right journey unless …” or unless it gets hard. You’ve got this and you’re doing everything right. I don’t want you to ever apologize for trusting your team or loving someone no matter what or no matter how hard it is or complicated or confusing! Do not apologize or feel bad just being you because that’s who you are, who God made you perfectly to be, and who you’re meant to be.

Strength and courage come from within. I have to be open and honest with myself. I hope my story resonates and helps people. We all go through rough patches and we’re all in this together. Sending love and prayers to all. You got this!

Since learning all of this, I recently and unexpectedly came across someone.I truly feel blessed and grateful about. This will be the very first, may I repeat, the very first date that I will be on. This guy is very kind and sweet. We have been texting back and forth; discovering we have quite a lot in common. I am ecstatic, but I know whatever happens, it’s all for my greater good. There is purpose. Is this guy the right one for me? I just need to trust and follow God’s plan.

“I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I’m meant to be. This is me.” – The Greatest Showman

With Love,

Blake oxox

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